Let them eat cake!
Removing control and keeping the "care" in "caring"
October 2023
“It’s not right to restrict the elderly like this. They should be allowed to enjoy the last years of their life, not be in a prison!”
Shujin was at the end of his Carer’s course that he started a few months back. He had to do some work experience and spent a day at a Day Care centre for the elderly. Upon hearing the type of “care” that was offered made me ropeable!
Day Care centers offer all different types of services. At this particular day care, the elderly got to sit in their chair all day, unless they needed the bathroom, or were getting showered. I was mortified. How inhumane to make them sit all day!!! That’s over-controlling, not care!
The pastoral side came out in Shujin that day. He sat and talked with the oldies. Listened to their stories. Acknowledged them and their sacrifices. Thanked them for all their hard work they put in to build this country up after the war and make it the great place it is today. I think it was the best day these oldies had ever had at that day care centre. They all wanted him to come back. Shujin never wanted to go back! Not because of the oldies, but because of how they were “cared” for.
Sadly, this is how they are taught in their Carer’s course. There is a higher risk if people are moving around, so it’s better to care for an elderly person if they aren’t moving. Bedridden has the least amount of risk. Sitting in a chair is the next best option.
Truly, I was horrified. Let the poor old dears move! Isn’t it better for their health, both physical and mental, even emotional, to be active? Yes, they might fall, but if they want to walk, then let them take that risk!
There are those people in the world, that cotton-wool their aging parent/grandparent, and want to protect them at all costs. My family wasn’t like that. My grandparents lived in their own home until they were over 90 years old. Pop was 90 years old when had a ride-on mower accident that almost killed him, and after recovering from that, of course many people thought that he should not get back on that ride-on again. My parents were different. They had the attitude of, “If he wants to mow his lawn, let him go for it!” I felt the same. How many years of life does he have left? Let him enjoy them!
“But what if he has another accident and dies?” Some thought and others said. Look, at this stage of life, you know you’re going to die of something and it might not be that far away. Enjoy what life you have left!
Shujin’s father was really keen to travel to the northern areas of Japan where he once ministered. He was frail, but determined. His sister, aunty Yoko was against it. But we supported him. It’s something he really wanted to do, let him go! Shujin’s father and mother, Okasan, went. A week or so after returning home, Shujin’s father collapsed, unconscious. He went into hospital and died 10 days later.
Aunty Yoko said the trip killed him. He should never have gone.
Did the trip kill him? Possibility. Maybe it was too much for his very frail state. But did he live his dream, doing what he wanted to do? Yes. If he stayed home would he be still be alive today? Maybe. But what’s better: to live long into your old age, frail and suffering with a low quality of life, or to live your dreams and die a little younger? Shujin and I were both glad that he got to do that one last trip, just as he wished.
Do I not value life? Of course I do! Life is precious. But I also know that life on this earth isn’t the end. Death is just a sleep. A momentary resting of our bodies until we are resurrected and taken to enjoy eternity with God. When you know this, there is no fear in death. Sadness, yes. We still mourn for those who have died, but with the mourning there is also hope. Hope and assurance that we will see them again.
Hearing how one should “care” for an elderly person, according to training institutions, really challenged my perception (but didn’t change it!) and got me all fired up. It played over and over in my head for days. I whinged to family and friends about it.
“It’s not right to restrict the elderly like this. They should be allowed to enjoy the last years of their life, not be in a prison!”
After letting me ramble on for awhile, God tapped me on the shoulder.
He pointed His finger to my strict meals I dished up for Okasan as I hid in the kitchen and ate the yummy goods.
He pointed to Okasan’s disappointed face as we gave her a healthy treat while we ate cake in front of her.
He pointed to the fact that dementia patients might forget events, but they don’t forget how they were made to feel.
“Wait, no, this is completely different. Completely! Okasan has diabetes. She needs to eat like this. And, Okasan has dementia. If her diabetes type 3 isn’t kept on track, her dementia gets worse. NO! This is completely different! Completely!”
“Really?” God challenged.
“Really?” I questioned.
“Really.” God confirmed.
Sugar is poison to the body, but joy to the mouth. I had been doing all I could to keep the body well, meanwhile the joy had been stolen. I thought that having clearer cognitive capabilities would bring better quality of life. Okasan would surely be happier, and could live a more fulfilling life, if she could manage everyday tasks without confusion.
If I’m truly honest, I also thought it would help my life too. Even though I did honestly believe that it was better for Okasan, I was also keeping Okasan in as good health as I could, for my sake. The more cognitive decline, the harder caring would become.
So I was over-controlling, in the name of “care”, and no better than the “controlled caring” that I was whinging about.
What a hypocrite.
Looking in the mirror hurts. But pain initiates change. It would be hard. It would take great effort on my part to hold my tongue, or to generously offer poison, but now I had been challenged by my own way of thinking.
What was the point of Okasan living for another 20 years in her strict diet prison, in misery? I could still cook well for her, but it needn’t be to such an extent that she feels left out from the good stuff. She needs to enjoy her last years.
Shujin’s older brother, Ken, was right. We had been on opposing sides. He the generous giver of naughty treats, me the strict rule keeper. I had been frustrated with his visits and how he had no qualms in spoiling his mum with delicious treats and, in my opinion, spoiling her health too (want the goss? Read that story here). But now I stood, and crossed the floor, over to Ken’s party.
I had unknowingly been a hypocrite, but no more! It was time to remove the cotton-wool; be responsibly generous with food, bring back her power of choice, and in doing so, her joy.
“Okasan, would you like a piece of cake?”
Are you afraid of dying? Why?
If you cotton-wool your aging loved ones in an effort to extend their life, what is your motivation behind it? Is it for their sake, or your’s?
What’s better: to live long into your old age, frail and suffering with a low quality of life, or to live your dreams and die a little younger? If dessert is involved, I'd say the latter. I am glad we're on the same page ;) but this IS a very timely topic. We'll get to live a decade longer than our grandparents, I'd love to live those extra years being autonomous, not plonked on a chair surrounded by strangers and busy underpaid nurses.
I hear you Debbie. Caring and caregiving is tough continuous dilemma, made even tougher by dementia, as you know very well. This is a thought provoking and difficult article. I don't think you're being hypocritical, there is a lot of love and care there.
I keep asking and gently probing for clarification of wishes. Dad voiced what he wanted even when he had bad days. It's easier with Mum. As Dad got worse we dispensed with the 'good for you' thoughts and he had a little whisky now and again, I found his favourite food. Towards the end I think Dad ate more to keep us happy than actually being hungry or enjoying food..but his eyes sparked at the little whisky ;-)
We do our best, we listen to the wishes of our loved ones that we care for, and hopefully we curate quality moments, memories.