When quitting doesn't work
And another lost shirt!
September 2023
As I lay on my bed gazing out my window, I noticed the Japanese red maple tree had changed colour. The beautiful vibrant red had turned dull and lifeless. Looked to me like even the trees were over the heat! The end of summer must surely be near. I mean, I thought it would technically be over, now we were in September. But the trees weren’t even waiting for the first cold snap, the heat was too much, they'd given up and were losing their leaves already!
The trees were over this heat, and I was over my son’s rotten behavior. I wouldn’t be surprised if we couldn’t buy the house next door, but at the moment I was enjoying the fantasy of moving in. I was tired of Bob constantly bugging Okasan, hurting her, teasing her (in a mean way) and being downright rude and disrespectful. I was tired of Okasan’s victim mentality. If Bob treated my parents how he treated Okasan there was no way they'd stand for it.
But somehow, even though she doesn't like it, she just has no authority in his eyes and he laughs at her and doesn't stop. I was constantly stepping in (initially out was out of horror that my child dare treat an adult like that, especially his grandma), but now I was feeling like I added to the problem. Okasan was constantly dobbing on him. It was so exhausting, I was over it.
Bob needed something to put his hands to and focus on. I decided Lego might be the answer. Our upcoming trip to Australia now felt very timely. I would bring the kid's lego back to Japan. It was currently in Australia at mum and dad's. It would be worth paying for the extra suitcase! And I was still living in the fantasy world of moving next door and jumping to conclusion that there would be space — space for Lego, haha!!
My fantasy world had gotten me through more days of tough parenting. Hope was a beautiful thing.
Chatting with my best friend about ADHD, I learned that ADHD people needed space. Could the summer holidays, cramped into a tight space with extra people, have been harder on Bob than we gave credit for? Was he still recovering??
As the days rolled on, the kids got back into the groove of the school term. A week or so passed and Shujin commented how Bob had been more settled the last few days. Perhaps the insight into ADHD people needing space really might have something to do with it. Even more reason to move house!
And Shujin STILL hadn't enquired about the house next door... But he started telling me his renovation plans that he would do when we were in Australia. About putting up a wall between the kids’ room and the entry way so the kids can have a room each, and making the kitchen door our front door…. Um, I just want to move next door!! Then we don't need to renovate! So I was praying about it and really hoping it would be possible, and praying that God would help me cope if we couldn’t move next door. I was also praying for the opportunity to approach the owner's daughter (I was tired of waiting on Shujin!). She lived in our village and spoke English and I saw her walking her dog from time to time. Sadly I didn’t know her name, only her dog's name…!
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As I stood in the kitchen, focused on getting breakfast on the table and lunch boxes made, Okasan asked if I had thrown out the t-shirt Ken gave her. The one he’d bought her from Singapore.
No I didn't.
Maybe I should have stopped what I was doing and helped her find it, but it was first thing in morning and I had breakfasts and lunches to make! So I just suggested where she could look for it. Missy stepped in and helped her look. But no success.
Later that morning, Shujin phoned me. His mum had sent him a message saying I had thrown out the shirt. And that Aunty Yoko had given her some snacks and Debbie took them all and threw them out. Can't I just have a little bit, she asked.
None of it was true. I mean, maybe Aunty Yoko gave them to her but I had no knowledge and certainly didn't throw them out (but to be fair, sometimes I sneakily did remove such things from her possession).
Interestingly, yesterday was Masato’s day off and he set to cleaning his mum's room. He threw everything that was on the floor into the tatami room in a great big mess and told her to go through it and just keep what she needed. He didn't do it in a nice way and spoke down to her. Okasan wasn’t happy.
Now I'm thinking that yesterday's stress is today's bad mixed up memories. I could be wrong. I can see, of course, why she connects me with things being taken from her, since I'm often the one not letting her eat certain foods. Which is why I try to cook food that she can eat, for everyone, so that I’m not excluding her. It's too painful otherwise. But of course, you can’t avoid it all the time.
The next day, in the evening, Shujin and I were sitting in the tatami room. I was studying Japanese, and Okasan walked in, laughing and apologising. She'd just read the message she sent to Shujin yesterday and was horrified to see what she’d written!
“None of it's true! I'm so sorry! I'm going crazy!”
I held no grudge so I easily laughed with her. She couldn't understand why she would write that. Shujin explained her condition to her and how the stress from the day before possibly impacted her, causing her to get mixed up memories. We freely talk about her diabetes, but not often the dementia. It was like the unspoken secret that the family knew about her and kept from her. But now, Shujin opened up, also mentioning how important her food choices were, and when she eats excess carbs or sugars it affects her memory almost immediately. He gave her an example of the time we had pancakes for breakfast, instead of her usual veggie laden plate (with protein and a small portion of carbs). After breakfast we were driving and she asked at least 5 times in the first 20min of our car trip, where we were going. She’s not usually that bad! Not sure if she remembered the incident, but she didn't deny. She was really good about it all, and even though she might not remember the details that he spoke about on this night, I think it was still good to discuss it with her.
It did seem like Okasan had had a bad day, just lots of little things. But the next day she seemed more back to her normal self. Until Shujin went to work. He got another message from his mum. Debbie has taken my Singapore shirt. It was the same story as the day before! She hadn’t remembered the conversation from the evening before and her mixed up memories were all resurfacing again! Oh dear! Such is the life of living with a dementia patient!
The shirt was found, in her room. When Shujin got home that evening, he got his mum’s phone and deleted the messages she had sent about the shirt. He thought that if she didn’t see the messages it and get reminded about the shirt it would help solve the problem, and it did, for awhile…
With Okasan’s dilemmas sorted out, it was now onto Bob. He’d not been enjoying soccer anymore and we decided it would be best to quit the team and try a new sport, like tennis. We took the next available opportunity and turned up to the soccer game was scheduled locally, to notify the coach that Bob would be quitting. Wanting to show our appreciation, we bought some gifts. Gift giving is very big in Japan and very important. We went and bought three boxes of nashi pears: one for the coach, one for the assistant, and one for the secretary.
We arrived at the soccer field, boxes in hand and Shujin approached the assistant coach who happened to be free. They stood and talked, and talked. I was expecting a short 5-10min discussion and then goodbye. Nope! I sat down on a rock in the shade with Missy while Bob kicked a ball with another team member. It was hot, the shade gave only slight relief and the two men kept talking. What on earth could they be talking about?? I wanted to butt in and hurry Shujin along, but I held my ground.
At least twenty minutes passed by and then the assistant left and headed towards the coach. I pounced on Shujin, so curious to know what on earth they had talked about for so long!! Shujin said he’d explained why Bob was going to quit soccer: ADHD child, team sport isn’t suiting him - he doesn’t play as a team player, sorry he is a bad example to the younger kids, sorry that he doesn’t listen and obey orders, sorry that he doesn’t stay focused on the game…. and the most amazing thing happened. The assistant coach said,
“No, don’t quit! We want him to stay. We want to help grow his character. He’s going to have these same problems everywhere in life, no matter where he goes. Please, keep him on the team, we want him to stay.”
My face slightly contorted, a tingling sensation washed over it. I forced myself to wait until I had privacy for the privilege to cry.
You don’t want Bob to quit?
After the first lengthly conversation, Shujin then spoke with the coach. He had the exact same response from the coach that he’d gotten from the assistant. The coach and the assistant coach both wanted my son to stay. They both wanted to invest in my son and help him become a better person. They both weren’t giving up on him. These two men were better Christians than me.
With almost disbelief, and certainly with humility and overwhelming gratitude, we took back the uniform and soccer ball we had returned. (We left the three large boxes of fruit, which ended up getting shared with the whole team after their game.)
Hope had returned.