I'll have what she's having!
When the deteriorating dementia brain becomes more child-like
October 2024
I sat opposite Okasan as we ate our breakfast. Okasan ate her miso soup, rice, natto (fermented soybeans) and vegetables that I’d cooked for her. I ate a leftover pancake. (Yes, I’ll be the sacrifice and eat the leftovers that aren’t healthy for a diabetic. I’m nice like that! Any opportunity to have a break from eating more rice!)
“Actually,” laughed Okasan, “I don’t really like rice.”
I held my breath.
“When I was little,” she continued, “I didn’t like rice at all! I always asked my mum for sandwiches. Every day I would ask for sandwiches for school lunch.”
I didn’t buy it, and here’s why.
About two years ago, Okasan first told us the story about Johnny. An American missionary’s son who was her neighbour when she was a child, who hated natto, the Japanese fermented soybean. We’ve since heard the story more times than we can count.
“Johnny didn’t like natto at all!”
Over the last two years, this story has evolved to include other foods, and in more recent times, she had been placing herself in little Johnny’s shoes. Such is the way the dementia brain works. My children don’t like eggplant, and so out would come the story…
“When I was a child, I didn’t like eggplant at all! But now I love it!”
Or if they complained about capsicum…
“When I was a child, I didn’t like capsicum at all! But now I love it!”
Or when she heard I didn’t eat okra…
“When I was a child, I didn’t like okra at all! But now I love it!”
And now, it was rice that was getting the beating.
When I’d finished forcing down the last of my pancake (yes, guilt had overcome me, and now the pancake no longer tasted as good!), I stole away to the bathroom and left Okasan to finish her “unloved” breakfast.
“Now your mum is saying she doesn’t like rice!” I hissed at Shujin while he stood in front of the bathroom sink doing his hair.
“Whaaaat??!!!” he laughed.
And I would have been laughing too, except this was now too much for me.
I don’t think I’ve mentioned this previously, but Okasan copies me. Well, not just me, she copies other people too. Completely subconsciously. In the same way a child copies the behaviour of those around her, so too Okasan’s dementia-brain is reverting back to the immaturity of a child.
If I start hanging out the laundry, she will join me and hang it out too. If I start cleaning the kitchen she will soon be there working right along side me. If I sit down to write on my laptop, she will retreat to her bed and sit with her device. If I get up to start cleaning the house, she will put her device down and start cleaning too. If I go outside and start gardening, she will find me and garden too. She isn’t my constant shadow by all means, but she copies me. Regularly.
If Shujin reaches for the soy sauce and adds some to his meal, she takes it immediately after him, putting some on her meal.
“chotto (just a little)” she comments as she grabs it.
If anyone serves themselves seconds, she will follow suit and serve herself seconds.
“chotto” she comments again.
Actually, one time when eating dinner she was copying what I was eating. I was first eating my onigiri (rice ball) so she picked up hers and started eating it. I knew it was best to eat vegetables before carbs for her diabetes sake, so I placed my onigiri down and picked up my miso bowl and took a sip. I kept it in my hand and picked out a piece of carrot with my chopsticks. I took another sip and watched her over the rim of my bowl. She placed her onigiri down and picked up her miso bowl and followed suit.
I smiled internally, feeling triumphant! But all this copying should have driven me mental. I say it should have driven me mental, because one time it actually did. Years ago. My housemate who was also my classmate at uni, started copying me. Copying my moves, actions, behaviours, to the point that it physically impacted my health. She would copy me all day at uni, and I couldn’t retreat home and get a break from her there because she lived with me!
Unfortunately I was an avoider when it came to confrontation, (OK, so I still somewhat am!) and I found it too difficult to confront her, but meanwhile my whole health was deteriorating to the point of near chronic fatigue from the stress it was causing me.
I finally managed to speak up, remove myself from the situation and slowly recover. But my body never fully recovered. I am often plagued with fatigue, and I am now very sensitive to stress.
And here I was now, again, living with someone who was copying me. The fact that I hadn’t gone crazy from it was another gift from God. A miracle. Once again, God had poured out His grace and taken away the triggers that would normally have sent me spiraling downwards into poor health. In these last two years it somehow hadn’t negatively bothered me, in fact, I would sometimes find it amusing!
Except this time.
Copy me with what order you eat your food, what activities you do, or any such things. But DO NOT hate rice!
Moral to the story: Eat leftover pancakes when Okasan is in the bathroom doing her hair!
A big shout out to
for giving me permission to use his pancake photo! Thanks so much Mark!! For the lovers of baking and good photography, I highly recommend checking out Mark’s Substack, Taisty Bytes. A journey that started with being “useless in the kitchen” (Mark’s own words!), Mark went ahead and gave baking a go. Now he shares his inspiring attempts at baking, which include some mishaps, as well as lots of success! All accompanied by incredible food photography :)PS: You’ll be pleased to know that by lunchtime, Okasan had completely forgotten her rice betrayal! HAHA!!!!!
I found this post by chance and... It was such a lovely reading. Thank you for sharing!
Dementia is an ugly beast. Your mother in law is a bit like a child now, it takes patience, and you have it.
About your ex room mate... Well, a nightmare! Sooner or later I'd have exploded!
dementia is a tough beast to tackle, and it impacts those around more than the person. Being copied (especially if you get an extra cleaning hand, a peaceful moment at your laptop, or a healthy diet) is not that bad... or at least it's better than a scared person not remembering who you are or where they live.